How I Met Your Kage
by RenegadeZabuzaMomochi
Summary: It's exactly what you think it is.
1. Premature

**Disclaimer:** I do not have any copyrights. Asides from your mother.

 **AN:** Contains smut; lemon pairings include Gamabunta and the Midget Named Gato. Which was seriously his name.

 _Chapter One: Hidden Village of Doo_

It was a glorious day!

How was it glorious, you might ask?

"Are you- are you s-sure... Naruto-chan?" asked the timid Sasuke.

Naruto and Sasuke were in an intimate embrace underneath the pale moonlight.

"Have you ever danced with the devil underneath the pale moonlight?" Orochimaru wondered aloud. Kabuto glared at him before summoning Manda to devour him whole. Orochimaru collapsed to the ground dramatically, reaching for the moon. When he hit the floor unconscious, his body was engulfed in a pool of... marmalade.

Back to our story!

"Y-yes, Sasuke... be gentle..." Naruto whimpered.

"Okay... here I come!"

"Hah. That was puny," chimed Rock Lee. Ghost Neji smacked the back of his head but both of them fell to the steep abyss where a bed of rocks cushioned their fall. Rock Lee began floating groggily in his ghost form while ghost Neji had a new ghost form. The only really difference is that Neji ended up having a ghoulish tail.

"Seriously? You're running out of ideas?"

 ** _Shut up, Neji._**

Anyway. While Neji and Rock were chased by Oompa Loompas-

"OH GOD, WHAT IS THAT?"

"Hey, those look like midget-"

"RUN, LEE!"

"THEY'RE MIDGET OOMPA LOOMPAS!" Lee and Neji began sprinting for their lives as the orange rascals kept shouting to build a wall.

As they ran from the Oompa Loompas...

"I have an idea, Lee!" Neji stopped to face their pursuers. He entered a battle stance. "BYAKUGAN!"

"I think I'm following! Autobots! Transform!"

"What?" Before Neji could get a definitive answer, Lee threw a smoke bomb on the ground, causing Neji to get into coughing fits.

"Behold!" Lee stood proudly in his incorporeal glory.

"Oh, God... it can't be..."

"Yes! It's the true Final Gate!" Lee entered the crane stance. "I am Barock Leobama!"

"... really, Lee..." Neji was transformed into Nejoe Hyubiden.

"Now let's end this madness!" Lee (still in his Barock Leobama gimmick) did a triple somersault, lifting into the air magically before spinning around in the darkened skies. All of a sudden, the Sailor Moon theme song came in.

"Fighting evil by the moonlight! Winning votes by daylight! Never taxing in a real fight! He is the one named Barock Leodude!" Sakura (it was actually Choji dressed in Sakura's clothes), Temari (Gaara on crack) and Tsunade (Shino also on crack) were dancing out of synch in the background. Hell, they weren't even facing the duo.

"In the name of the Moon! I will banish you!" Lee threw fart bombs at the rampaging orange midgets, causing them to disperse.

"This is really happening." Neji glared at the three crossdressing shinobi.

Lee descended lithely on the ground, picked up some dirt and threw it in the air.

"What was the point of that?"

"Now that our enemies have been felled," Lee says, ignoring Neji's question. "We can find out who the real culprit is behind this mask!"

Lee and Neji approached the lone midget. It turns out he was using Shadow Clones to go after the two.

"Let's see who's behind that mask!"

"Hey! That's my line, Nejoe!"

"Will you stop calling me that!"

"But I only said it once!"

"He's right, you know." Lee and Neji turned to see Morgan Freeman smiling at the two. Then he entered his spaceship and left off, never to be heard again until the end of this story.

"Never mind that, let's see who's behind this mask." Neji reached out for the Oompa Loompa.

"IT'S FARMER JENKINS!" Lee gasped.

"I didn't even unmask him yet." Neji furrowed his brow but proceeded to unveil him anyway.

"I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Composite Superman scowled at Neji and Lee. I say Composite Superman but it was actually a freak abomination where the worst scientists in the world combined the DNA matrix of Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, Amy Schumer, Michelle Obama, George Bush, George Washington, King George, George of the Jungle, Boy George and the reader's reflection. That's right, it also has a bit of you. Your new name is now George.

 ** _Your mother, George._**

"Why am I not surprised?" Neji asked no one in particular.

"This is an outrage!" Trump began pounding at his iPhone furiously. "This will be an epic tweet!"

Barack shared it. Neji's phone vibrated.

"Huh? What the..." Neji stared at the tweet Barack shared. "I'm not even following either of these guys! When did I even get... whatever this thing is!"

"Right in the feels, Obama-man!" Lee teared emotionally.

The tweet read: Bros b4 hos.

"This is going to be one long ass adventure." Neji sighed.

RZM stepped into view.

"I'm here to break the fourth wall. Welcome... to Ninja Park!"

Cue Jurassic Park theme song.

 _ **I can't be sued. There's a disclaimer.**_

"N-Naruto! I'm going to- to..." Sasuke moaned.

"Oh, Sasuke! Sasuke! Fill me up some more, Sasuke!"

"OH, SHIT! HERE I COME!"

If you want to know what Naruto and Sasuke are doing, Naruto was eating ramen with Shikamaru and Odin at Zabuza's fancy noodle house whereas Sasuke was beating his meat to Weird Al.

"Sasuke, you should give it a rest," Karin offered as Sasuke beat his meat.

"Not until... the final climax to Eat It!" Sasuke beat his meat even more.

"But you could hurt your hands!" Karin blushed at the indignation of Sasuke beating his meat.

"HERE IT COMES! CHAAA!" Sasuke exploded, giving the final pump before delivering the killing blow in beating his meat. He collapsed to the ground, sweating from his rigorous meat beating.

"Sasuke!" Karin came to him.

"This story is all sorts of fucked up," Suigetsu said to Jugo. Suigetsu narrowed his eyes at him, who was suddenly dressed like Juliet from Lollipop Chainsaw.

"I will... get stronger!" Sasuke declared. He was done beating his meat.

Yes, he was punching a giant block of frozen meat. He works at Karin's butcher shop.

"Wait, then who's..." Neji used his Byakugan to get a closer look at the previous Naruto and Sasuke. "Oh."

They were just two stooges who happened to be named Naruto and Sasuke.

"I hate you." Zabuza glared at Haku.

"Eat up, boys." Haku was waitstaff at Zabuza's Fancy Noodle House (yeah, it was legitimately named that) and every girl was jealous of him because he was consistently ranked number one hottest, smoking, sexiest babe of all time. Haku winked at the newly resurrected Jiraiya whose nosebleed sent him back to the afterlife where there were no babes and no frogs.

"Wait, how come Zabuza is here along with RZM?" Lee asked.

"Wow, you're actually being reasonable for once. I commend you," Neji teased.

"Just answer the question!"

"Oh, I can answer that for you, Lee," RZM appeared behind them. He- and by he, I mean me- and by me, I mean he- and by he-me, I mean hime- looked almost exactly like Zabuza except he had better eyebrows.

"They're on fleek..." Neji noticed. Lee nodded in agreement. RZM smirked and began unwrapping the bandages.

"I knew it would come to this." The Demon of the Mist chuckled mischievously and when his face was revealed...

"No... it can't be..." Neji trembled.

"IT'S NOT TRUE!" Lee fell to his knees.

"OH, BUT IT IS! LET THE REIGN OF TERROR BEGIN! WUAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA!" Hinata roared in laughter, thunder and lightning circumventing the world in her darkness.

 ** _But seriously, though, this is not the actual chapter._**

 ** _Now, ladies and gentlebros!_**

"Ahem." Tenten coughed.

 ** _And apache helicopters!_**

Tenten smiled.

"Can we please get on with it?" Neji groaned. He and Lee were joined by everyone from the Narutardverse.

"Including the dead ones?" Lee looked hopeful.

 _ **Including the dead ones.**_

"Oh, yeah! Here we go!" Lee pumped his fist enthusiastically.

 ** _Brought to you by the PBS-J Foundation and the Discovering Channel, for viewers like you; also funded by the Snoop Frogg, Bustin Jieber, Family Dude, Wetty Fapp and Semi-Legendary Pictures._**

"Let's do it!" Sakura shouted.

"I'm up for one more adventure." Sasuke grinned.

"What a drag." Shikamaru facepalms.

"My meal was interrupted for this?!" Choji whined.

"I guess I have more opportunities to make fun of Billboard Brow," Ino mused.

"Well... I guess another one wouldn't hurt." Neji smiled.

"And another one." DJ Call-Ed got shot by Notoriously F.A.T. and Tu-Wang Clan. All of them were obliterated by Himawari who was absentmindedly chasing a butterfly.

"Yeah! The story never ends!" Lee jumped in the air.

"Believe it!" Naruto declared.

"Wait... whose story is this anyway?" Neji asked as everyone cheered in one way or another. Hell, even Minato was in a wet t-shirt contest alongside Kakashi and Orochimaru.

"It's... mine," Hinata shyly states. Neji's eye began to twitch.

 _ **How I Met Your Kage**_

 _Coming up next!_

 _Chapter One! Hinata vs. The Bluish French Horn!_


	2. Hinata vs the Bluish French Horn

_Chapter One! Hinata vs. the Bluish French Horn!_

"Is this really the first chapter?"

Neji and Lee were dressed as Barnacle Boy and Mermaid Man, respectively.

"And why do I have to be Barnacle Boy?"

"The conch decided our fate!"

Lee slapped Neji with a giant paper fan who keeled over. He even had swirly eyeballs as an indicator he got knocked the fuck out.

"You got knocked the fuck out," Orochimaru shouted. He started poking Neji with a stick. And not just any stick! It was **the** stick!

"What is _the_ stick?" Tenten asked quizzically.

 _ **Oh, hey, Tenten.**_

"Hey, RZM."

Tenten was added to the adventure, mainly because she was hoarding things. Because Lee and Neji were Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, respectively in case you the dear reader forgot in an instant- oh, shiny! I found a nickel! Anyway, Tenten decided to follow the duo's theme. And their shenanigans.

"Places, everyone! And... action!" Hinata snaps the clapperboard shut before sitting on the director's seat. She even had a fancy beatnik beret and everything. She was seriously serious.

"Wait, I thought this was about Hinata?" Kurenai asked. Zombie Asuma just shrugged as the scene played out.

"I just don't understand how a world that makes such wonderful things... could be bad..." Tenten pondered in her underwater grotto.

"Why do _I_ have to be the crab?" Neji groaned. He was dressed up as Sebastian. Normally Lee would be Flounder but today is not the case. That role went to Orochimaru.

"Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?" Tenten sang and she sang horribly. It brought tears to everyone's eyes nonetheless.

"Nothing that auto-tune can't fix," Shikamaru commented lazily. Temari smacks Shikamaru so hard across the face, he collided into Nagato. He blushed truly, madly and deeply in various shades of red. This inspired him to write an erotic novel appropriately dubbed 50 Shades of Pain.

"S-senpai..." Temari stuttered. She wiggled her body shyly like most moe girls do in anime.

"YOU CAN DO THIS, TENTEN!" Might Guy cheered as his tears flowed down his face like the Niagara bursting for the first time. "YOU HAVE THE POWER OF YOUTH!"

"GUY SENSEI!" Lee mimicked. Gai (yeah, I'm going to spell their names with both variations because I am here to displease you all; for those who don't know, Gai is Guy and Pain is Pein- also, water is wet) and Lee were dressed as the Bananas in Pajamas duo.

"Bananas! In pajamas! Are walking down the stairs!" Guy and Lee marched in cadence around the set as Shino shook maracas to dramatize.

"Up where they walk! Up where they run! Up where they stay all day in the Sun!" Tenten reached out towards a light bulb, her eyes twitching. Hinata's eyes began to swell with tears as she bit her lip. Tenten floated listlessly down but her wire team failed- it was Choji who was currently paying attention to BBQ flavored chips- causing Tenten to plummet harshly on Orochimaru. The Sannin was immediately dispatched and Kabuto did the hokey pokey before turning himself about.

But at the end of the day... could you really blame him? I mean, they were BBQ flavored!

"So... beautiful!" Hinata applauded. "Encore! Encore!"

"Does this mean we can go home now?" Neji asked hopefully.

"Oh, come on, Neji! The fun is just getting started!" Ino beamed a smile his way. Neji just scowled but then he raised an eyebrow. Ino's smile went from heartwarming to maniacal, as if she just had 400 cups of espresso. She even began vibrating so hard that she phased into invisibility.

"Science." Neil DeGrasse Tyson gave a thumbs up.

"No, I didn't," Neil argued.

 _ **YES, YOU DID!**_

"Ow... I think I broke something..." Tenten pulled something from under her butt, which was a blue French horn.

"Be... our... guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test!" the horn sang. "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Hinata placed the blue French horn in the middle of a badly drawn pentagram. She even sacrificed a goat in the middle. "Summoning Jutsu!"

"When did Hinata learn that?" Tenten asked.

"I'm more terrified of what she'll summon instead of knowing she can summon," Kakashi quipped.

"At least you're the normal... one..." Neji began but realized Kakashi was dressed as a ballerina. "I'm beginning to wonder if RZM has been watching the Rock Lee spin off lately."

"I have a spin off? What happened to my spin on!" Neji stared at Lee blankly. No, not because of what he said but because he was still a Banana in Pajamas. Both resumed their focus on Hinata who just summoned something.

"You've got to be kidding me." Kiba blinked as Akamaru whimpered. "I could have saved more money on my life insurance if I just switched to Geico! I told you, Akamaru!"

"Is that who I think it is?" Tenten blinked.

"With your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" Hinata proceeded to give him an uppercut.

"SHORYUKEN!" she screamed in fury. Captain Planet went flying through the roof. She descended lithely on the ground but the ceiling was torn open. "No... it cannot be!"

"You have activated my trap card!" It was Hiruzen atop of the Blue Eyes Wide Dragon. Yeah, Hiruzen kept overfeeding it so now it's fatter than your mother. "It's time to da-da-da-da-du-du-du-du-du-duel!"

"Fair play! But now I summon the Black Luster Soldier!" Hinata propelled herself into the air, did a somersault, high-fived Lady Tsunade's bosom and transformed into Sailor Moon before crashing down next to her summon. Who was Killer B.

"That's kind of racist." Neji, Lee and Tenten glared at RZM.

 _ **Everyone is a little bit racist.**_

"Well, you're a little bit, too!" Shizune and Anko sang in their inebriated stupor. They were drunk off of that giuchie giuchie yaya dada.

"ME MOCHA CHOCALATA YAYA! CREOLE LADY MARMALADE!" Killer B sashayed down a catwalk towards Hiruzen and the Blue Eyes Obese Dragon. It died from a heart attack. Hiruzen's jaw dropped.

"Wait, wait, wait! I thought this story was about Hinata?" Tenten suddenly asked.

"Hey, that's what I said." Kurenai frowned. Zombie Asuna began dancing to Thriller; only, the song was playing in his head so he pretty much looked stupid.

 _ **Fine.**_

The scene changes to Hinata strolling leisurely through Konoha. She was dressed in a yellow dress that looked incredibly familiar and showed over her ample cleavage. Sakura frowned. But don't worry, Sakura, somewhere out there... someone is reading this and is most likely thinking, "Flat is justice!" GTFO.

"Little town... it's a quiet village..." Hinata began singing. Her voice was so ethereal that it brought Paul Walker from the dead only to die again by watching continuous reruns of Tokyo Drift.

"We have copyrights, right? Right?" Tenten nervously bit on her fingernails. Neji sighs. Lee blushes because Guy was blushing because Kakashi was blushing because of Gamabunta's undulating midsection.

"Everyday... like the one before! Little town! Full of little people! Waking up to say..." Hinata stops and everyone started appearing out of nowhere.

"Bonjour!" Jiraiya popped out of the women's bath house. It was infested with old women, though. I mean, it makes sense. It's called Raisingan. He just assumed it was a typo for Rasengan.

"It's ohayo, you traitor!" Kankuro threw his geta at him.

"Ohayo!" Temari greeted from Shikamaru's bedroom wearing only her bra and panties.

"Ohayo!" Itachi appeared from the sewers alongside a frowning Madara. He secretly wanted to be Belle.

"Ohayo!" Sasuke and Sai sang, their arms linked together as they performed a line dance.

"Yeah, this sounds awkward." Neji pinched the bridge of his nose. "But I am already in my pajamas." Evidently, Lee convinced him that wearing pajamas is healthy for you. And it is.

"There goes the baker with his tray like always! The same old bread and rolls to sell! Every morning just the same! Since the morning that we came! To this poor provincial town!" Hinata sang, bobbing her head before she accidentally collides with a telephone pole. Who was the baker you ask? Well, it was Orochimaru. What? Bad guys have hobbies, too, you know! Kisame nodded his head in agreement. He does ballet in his spare time.

"I somehow find... you and I... collide..." Konan was the telephone pole. She looked away shyly, blushing a deep shade of red.

"Right from the moment when I met her, saw her! I said she's gorgeous and I fell!" Hanabi began singing. "Wait, am I too early?"

"THERE MUST BE MORE THAN THIS PROVINCIAL LIFE!" Hinata began spinning with a sheep which was understandably frightened.

"JUST WATCH I'M GOING TO MAKE... a sandwich." Hanabi got bored and let everyone continue their magic.

"It's a pity and a sin! Because she doesn't quite fit in! She really is a funny girl! A beauty but a funny girl! She really is a funny girl!" The entire Naruto cast and crew were amassing behind Hinata as she skipped jovially to a hentai store.

"Don't finish all of the dip, Lee!" Neji, Lee and Tenten were sitting on a rooftop as the crowd mustered a chorus. They had snacks.

"What the heeeeeeell!" _Fin._

"That was fun! But what does this have to do with a blue French horn?" Tenten asked.

"Well, I'm glad you asked, Lee." Gai chuckled. His teeth sparkled but nobody noticed it because he had pieces of potato chips in between his teeth.

"But I didn't say any-" Lee started but it was quickly drowned out.

"You see... Hinata _is_ the blue French horn." Guy looked at the setting Sun. "Huh, weird. It's only lunchtime."

"What do you mean, Guy Sensei?" Neji spat out a few crumbs of Oreos. He looked like a chipmunk.

"The blue French horn is her destiny..." Guy jumped into the air, abandoning his students with a Chinese proverb. Tenten picked up the note.

"What does it say?" Lee and Neji stood either side of her.

"Go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger." Tenten, Lee and Neji gasped. They all smelled their fingers.

In the Hokage's office...

"Eat my blue waffle!" Lady Tsunade commanded her zombified lover Dan. Indeed, she was waving a blue waffle. "I made it with real blueberries!"

Where is Naruto you might ask? You weren't? Okay, good.

"Huh..." Naruto moaned groggily. He looked at his clock and realized he overslept. "Oh crap! I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"

"Who's that kid?" Minato squinted his eyes as Naruto sprinted in the distance. Kushina shrugged and lit up a joint. Minato was eating hash brownies.

They were stoned.

Cue X-Files theme.

 _Next time on HIMYK!_

 _Chapter Two! Hinata and the Falcon Punch!_


End file.
